E-mail Hannafate

E-mail the Countess

Dear kinky one,

My girlfriend thinks that anything other than plain sex is a sign that I don’t find her sexy. She says that two people who are in love with each other don’t need anything for arousal but each other.  I would love to get her to wear a sexy nurse’s costume, and spank me, but she gets indignant when I mention anything like that. She won’t even watch porn with me. What can I do to get her to be a little more adventurous?

Bob, Maryland

Either she has a self-esteem problem, or she is a prude, or she just likes to keep you under control. It’s hard to tell which.

The idea that love is always enough is silly.  If that were true, there would be no romance novels, adult toy stores, romantic restaurants, or lingerie shops.   In fact, sexual arousal often has nothing to do with love.  The fact that your girlfriend equates the two so strongly is a little disturbing.  Ghod forbid you should get on a medication that affects your erections.  She’ll think you don’t love her any more.  If she was asking me for advice, I would tell her to get counseling, but that is probably not something you should suggest at this point. Try to find ways to express your affection for her besides sex.  Let her know that, although the sex is great, that is not the main reason you want to be with her. (Unless it IS, in which case, you need to find someone else)

 Yet, she may be using this idea as a way of not having to tell you that she is turned off or frightened by anything kinky.  You might ask her how she feels about you having these ideas. (other than that you don’t love her enough) It’s possible that she has a repressive background, and can be coaxed into exploring possibilities. You might start with an oil massage, with sex not the main object, just enjoying each other’s bodies.

The third possibility, that she just wants to control you, is the scariest.  If this is the case, the only reason she objects to these things is because you want them.  She may be getting off on the fact that you are willing to give up things in order to have sex with her.  Take a look at your relationship, and if you see other areas where she is jerking you around, run away!

Take a long hard look at your relationship, and talk to her about how you feel.  Something ain’t right about things.